Breaking News: "Obama, Boehner Come to Agreement That Cantor Is Douche" (The Borowitz Report)

Hot, hot, hot. Not a fun weekend weather-wise, especially for those of us who participated in the New York Transit Museum's Coney Island Nostalgia Tour on Saturday (traveling on authentic restored 1930s IND cars), and then came back today to venture a Municipal Art Society tour with star tour leader Francis Morrone to the posh Manhattan East Side enclaves of Beekman Place and Sutton Place. So I think I'll just pass on this breaking report from the Borowitz Report. -- Ken

JULY 24, 2011

Obama, Boehner Come to Agreement That Cantor Is Douche

Could Be First Step Toward Debt Deal



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what members of both parties are hailing as an important first step on the road to a deal on raising the debt ceiling, President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner today came to an agreement that Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) is a douche.



Mr. Obama and Rep. Boehner made the dramatic announcement in the East Room of the White House late Sunday afternoon.



“Speaker Boehner and I have come to an agreement that Eric Cantor is a douche,” the President said. “We’ll see if we can build on that.”



The breakthrough reportedly came Sunday morning, but both sides spent several hours hammering out the language before agreeing on the word “douche.”



“Boehner had been pushing hard for ‘dickwad,’” said a source familiar with the discussions. “He was concerned that using a like ‘douche’ could be alienating to his base because it’s French.”



While skeptics cautioned that agreeing about the douchiness of Eric Cantor is still a long way from agreeing on raising the debt ceiling, a new poll shows that Messrs. Obama and Boehner have broad public support for their position on the congressman from Virginia.



According to a new poll of likely voters, 56 percent agreed that Mr. Cantor is a “douche,” 32 percent agreed that he is a “asshat” and the remainder characterized him as a “dickhead,” “cocksucker” or “motherfucker.”



“With all the partisan bickering in Washington, the American people should rest assured that we all agree on one thing,” said Rep. Boehner. “And that is, Eric Cantor is one irritating mofo.”

One theory: Eric Cantor's career has been secretly concocted and promoted by sinister deep-pocketed forces who want to build him up to help foment a resurgence of cutting-edge anti-Semitism in America.





UPDATE: Eric Cantor the shonda fur die goyim



In the comments, Michael Takiff shares a link to a Salon piece, "Eric Cantor: A debt ceiling shonda," in which he asks, "Am I the only Jew in America who finds the House majority leader deeply embarrassing to our people? Am I the only tribe member who considers this smarmy yutz today’s numero-uno shonda fur die goyim?"



No, Michael, I assure you you're not.

When a Jew is publicly bad -- especially publicly really bad -- large numbers of the rest of us Jews cringe. That Jew becomes a shonda fur die goyim -- a disgrace for the non-Jews, an example for the gentiles to latch onto as evidence that every one of us is out to control their banks, run their newspapers, and make matzoh from the blood of their children.

Yes! As I wrote in reply:

It hadn't even occurred to me that Cantor is Jewish until my friend Peter asked. Peter's father, I might note, was a refugee from Nazi Germany who read the New York Times religiously every day of his American life and was wont to ask, anytime a Jew committed what he considered a public embarrassment, whether this was "good for the Jews."

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