Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Lemur" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

Index note: The "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index has (finally) been updated, and should now be current!

"The Lemur sleeps all day long and nobody tells him that he is a tramp. When disturbed he sort of squeaks."


Tonight we conclude our survey of the second section of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, or A Monkey a day," having already covered "The Chimpanzee," "The Gorilla," "The Orang-utan," "The Gibbon," "The Baboon," and "The Howling Monkey." -- Ken

The Lemur

THE LEMUR IS ONE WORSE than the Monkey. He is often mistaken for a Squirrel, a Rabbit, an Agouti or anything but a Lemur. He has been described as a state of mind or ectoplasm. The Lemur is a Primate because people say so. The Lemur sleeps all day long and nobody tells him that he is a tramp. When disturbed he sort of squeaks. Most Lemurs live in Madagascar but they are never quite warm enough. The Ring-tailed Lemur or Madagascar Cat¹ is caught by sailors who have enough Parrots already. The Gentle Lemur is devoted to his human keeper and often bites him severely. The Aye-aye has large movable ears caused by listening for Grubs. The Potto is rather peevish. The Spectral Tarsier of the West Indies is uncanny. He has huge bug-eyes, elongated ankles and knobby toes. He is sometimes confused with Delirium Tremens. Lemurs comb their hair with their lower front teeth. They mature almost instantaneously. In a way we came from Lemurs because they are also descended from an extinct Tree Shrew something like a large Rat. From the Tree Shrew to the Dogfish is but a step, which practically brings us to the Amoeba. So perhaps the Lemur is to blame for it all.²

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¹Lemur catta.
²Aristotle would not have known a Lemur if it came up and bit him. He had enough to keep track of, without Lemurs.


IN TOMORROW AND SATURDAY NIGHT'S SUNDAY CLASSICS PREVIEWS: Mahler's military songs


SUNDAY IN RING LARDNER TONIGHT: Yes, "The Busher Returns"!!! It's Part 1 of You Know Me Al II


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

As noted above, after an unfortunate period of sloughing off, I've finally updated the "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index, and will try to get back to keeping it current. I've even put the "et al." authors in alphabetical order! Is this an elite reference tool or what?

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Howling Monkey" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

The "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index has (finally) been updated, and should now be current!

"His howl is caused by a large hyoid bone at the top of the trachea. It can be cured by a simple operation on the neck with an axe."


So far in the title section of Will Cuppy's How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes we've met "The Chimpanzee," "The Gorilla," "The Orang-utan," "The Gibbon," and "The Baboon." Tonight we meet our next-to-last ape. -- Ken

The Howling Monkey

THE HOWLING MONKEY is confined to South America but seems to escape. The back of his head is straight up and down. His howl is caused by a large hyoid bone at the top of the trachea. It can be cured by a simple operation on the neck with an axe. The male Howler is always followed by seven or eight female Howlers with young Howlers but this may be a coincidence. Howlers have long prehensile tails with which they hang from the trees, talk Monkey talk and pick up Brazil nuts. There are several species of Howlers. The Fat Howler is as trying as any. The Howling Monkey and the Spider Monkey are neighbors. The infant Howling Monkey occasionally bears a striking resemblance to a Spider Monkey. Ask me sometime why that is.¹ The Capuchin or Organ Grinder Monkey is regarded as very intelligent. He scrambles after pennies, scratches himself and has morals. He can stand on his hind legs but the tail is a dead giveaway.² Monkeys have loads of fun. They breed in captivity and know many other tricks. They are fond of Bats, marshmallows, Goldfish and ink. Old World Monkeys cannot hang by their tails. They might as well not be Monkeys.³

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¹Spider Monkeys look nothing like Spiders.
²The Tee-tee or Squirrel Monkey inhabits Brazil and the Reading Room of the British Museum.
³There is a general feeling among Old World Monkeys that they are the best Monkeys, but there is no scientific basis for this. If you are an Old World Monkey you are classed as Catarrhine or narrow-nosed. If not, you are Platyrrhine or broad-nosed. That's about the gist of it.


TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Lemur


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

As noted above, after an unfortunate period of sloughing off, I've finally updated the "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index, and will try to get back to keeping it current. I've even put the "et al." authors in alphabetical order! Is this an elite reference tool or what?

#

Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Baboon" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

INDEX NOTE: The "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index has (finally) been updated, and should now be current!

"The family life of the Baboon is known as hell on earth. The males grow meaner and stingier and the females fade at an early age. The children scream, stamp, roll on the ground and will not eat their Centipedes."

by Ken

So far Will Cuppy's survey of apes has brought us through "The Chimpanzee," "The Gorilla," "The Orang-utan," and "The Gibbon." Including tonight's specimen, we're down to our final three. -- Ken

The Baboon

THE BABOON is entirely uncalled for. Some people like Baboons but something is wrong with such people. Baboons lose their tempers. There are more Baboons than you might think. The Baboon is not an Anthropoid Ape. He has a tail, though not a good one, and so he is a Lower Ape. In fact he is more of a Monkey. The Arabian Baboon as the name implies is found in Abyssinia. Baboons have highly colored ischial callosities. Scientists tell us that all animals who sit down a great deal have ischial callosities. That is a lie. The Mandrill is the worst especially when going South. Baboons bark. It seems as though there would be no female Baboons but there are. The family life of the Baboon is known as hell on earth. The males grow meaner and stingier and the females fade at an early age. The children scream, stamp, roll on the ground and will not eat their Centipedes. Their parents are proud of them.¹ The Sacred Baboon of the Egyptians was identified with Thoth, the god of literary criticism.² He spent his time making Thothlike motions at the Sacred Ibis, another form of literary criticism. He is not yet extinct. Never call anyone a Baboon unless you are sure of your facts. Baboons have flat feet.

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¹Young Baboons ride pick-a-back.
²He is frequently pictured restoring the Udjat or Eye to Aah, the Moon God. Enormous numbers of Udjats have been found in ancient Egyptian tombs. "The twin Udjats represent the Eye of the Sun and the Eye of the Moon." -- Sir E. A. Wallis Budge.


TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Howling Monkey


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

As noted above, after an unfortunate period of sloughing off, I've finally updated the "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index, and will try to get back to keeping it current. I've even put the "et al." authors in alphabetical order! Is this an elite reference tool or what?

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Gibbon" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

Index note: The "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index has (finally) been updated, and should now be current!

"Gibbon authorities do not know whether the Gibbon is interested in sex. But you know and I know."


Tonight Will Cuppy continues his survey of ape relations, begun with "The Chimpanzee," "The Gorilla," and "The Orang-utan." -- Ken

The Gibbon

THOSE THIN LONG-WAISTED TYPES with no head to speak of are generally Gibbons. Gibbons are our loudest Apes. Their peculiar cry is often described as hoo hoo hoo hoo and just as often as whopp whopp whopp whopp. Gibbons assemble in crowds and hoo or whopp until exhausted or shot. The natives of Cochin China, the Malay Archipelago and the Island of Hainan often have hoo or whopp madness. A noiseless Gibbon would be a godsend. There is an old saying that the Gibbon is at his best in the American Museum of Natural History.¹ The female Wau-wau or Silvery Gibbon of Java is rather pretty for a Wau-wau. The Hoolock of Upper Assam cannot swim. Gibbons are noted for the number and variety of things they cannot do. It is believed that the Gibbon could be taught to swat flies. Gibbons live in the treetops. They swing from branch to branch by their arms with amazing speed. They are not going to fires. They are going nowhere in particular. Experiments with the Gibbon prove many interesting things about the Long-nosed Bandicoot. Gibbon authorities do not know whether the Gibbon is interested in sex. But you know and I know. There are no Apes in this country, thank goodness.²

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¹Cf. "Decline and Fall of the Gibbon."
²Embalmed Gibbons are sometimes sold to country bump kins as embalmed Pigmies. Why our rural population should prefer embalmed Pigmies to embalmed Gibbons offers an in teresting problem in psychology.


TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Baboon


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

As noted above, after an unfortunate period of sloughing off, I've finally updated the "Thurber (et al.) Tonight" index, and will try to get back to keeping it current. I've even put the "et al." authors in alphabetical order! Is this an elite reference tool or what?

#

Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Orang-utan" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The psychology of the Orang-utan has been thoroughly described by scientists from their observation of the Sea-urchin. Other facts have been gathered from the natives of Borneo and Sumatra who may have been talking about something else at the time."


We continue working our way through the title section of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes. Following "The Chimpanzee" and "The Gorilla," tonight we come to "The Orang-utan." -- Ken

The Orang-utan

ORANG-UTANS TEACH US that looks are not everything but darned near it.¹ They look awful. Some Orang-utans have huge cheek pads and conspicuous laryngeal sacs. Others have worse. The hallux is undeveloped. The female is not so ugly but ugly enough. Both sexes brood a lot. Their prolonged spells of meditation appear to have no tangible results. Orangs often sleep on one arm and wake up with a cramp. They snore. Young Orangs who are permitted to develop their individualities turn put horribly. Young Orangs who are kicked and beaten into line also turn out horribly. The psychology of the Orang-utan has been thoroughly described by scientists from their observation of the Sea-urchin. Other facts have been gathered from the natives of Borneo and Sumatra who may have been talking about something else at the time. There is considerable doubt whether the Orang-utan is as dumb as he seems or dumber. He likes stewed apples, toast, cocoa and soap. Orang-utans have solved the problem of work. They do not work. They never worry. And yet they have wrinkles. So what's the use?

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¹About 93 per cent.


TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Gibbon


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Gorilla" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"Young Gorillas are friendly but they soon learn."

Having finished up the antecedents of Homo sapiens Tuesday night with "The Modern Man," last night we began the title section of the book, "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, or A Monkey a Day," beginning with "The Chimpanzee." Tonight we move on. -- Ken

The Gorilla

AFTER A CHIMP THE GORILLA is a great relief. He is fierce and brutal and is not a mimic. He weighs 450 pounds and is named Bobby. Young Gorillas are friendly but they soon learn. When a banana is placed in a trick box within easy reach the Gorilla will bite the professor's cousin. Guess what that proves. The Gorilla is becoming extinct but there are plenty of professors. In affairs of the heart the male Gorilla is slow but sure. He appears to be stolid and indifferent but that may be part of his system.¹ Believe it or not he is shy. The Gorilla is an introvert. Married females and their children sleep in trees and the male sleeps on the ground. The meaning of this is unknown. The Gorilla could do with more brains. His corpus callosum is not very good but the hippocampus major is O.K. The hallux is fair. Gorillas like sugar-cane, hay, watermelons, ragout of chicken, raw ham, dandelions and lolly pops. They are subject to inflammation of the gums. Female Gorillas are likely to bump into passing objects and have trouble with revolving doors. I am in favor of Gorillas. They live in Africa.²

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¹The Gorilla is said to have hidden depths, but if they are so hidden what good are they? He has small ears, generally a bad sign.
²They have a nasty habit of biting shotguns.


IN TOMORROW NIGHT'S SUNDAY CLASSICS PREVIEW, we take another listen (or two) to music we've already heard, the haunting slow movement of the Brahms First Symphony, targeting a goal that will become clear in Saturday night's preview


SUNDAY IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: "The Orang-utan" from How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, as we continue to work out way through the section "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, or A Monkey a Day"

AND NEXT SUNDAY IN RING LARDNER TONIGHT: It's the start of a week of You Know Me Al II -- "The Busher Returns"


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Chimpanzee" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The love life of Chimpanzees is about what you might expect. When a Chimpanzee looks at another Chimp he does not see what we see."


Last night we completed the opening section of Will Cuppy's How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In" -- with "The Modern Man." I thought we'd just go straight on into the book's second section, "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, or A Monkey a Day" with "The Chimpanzee" tonight and "The Gorilla" tomorrow night, then continuing on through next week, to be followed by what I'm calling "You Know Me Al II" -- yes, it's the return of Ring Lardner's busher, Jack Keefe. -- Ken

The Chimpanzee

THE CHIMPANZEE¹ is found in Equatorial Africa and vaudeville. He is the brightest of the Anthropoid Apes because he is so classified by scientists with incomes over five thousand dollars [remember, this is in 1931 dollars -- Ed.]. If the scientist places a banana in a box the Chimpanzee will go and get it and eat it. The Chimpanzee also likes hominy, lettuce, raspberries, weak tea and black beetles. Chimpanzees are highly excitable and partly web-footed. They are amusing but terribly shallow. They can be very trying. The love life of Chimpanzees is about what you might expect. When a Chimpanzee looks at another Chimp he does not see what we see. They frequently have twins. Male Chimpanzees are called Soko or Bam. Females are called Malapunga. Chimpanzee sweethearts say very little. They can say "Yes" and "No" and "Thank you very much."² They can count up to five. They are faithful within reason. In the Chimpanzee the hallux is opposable and the pollex is not. In Man it is just the other way round so it all comes out even. The Chimpanzee smokes, rides a bicycle and wears pants. His chief ambition is to play the Palace. The Chimpanzee has one-third enough brain and that's something. Or is it?

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¹Aristotle did not mention Chimps but they got along somehow.
²What they really say is gak gak, ngak ngak and wha wha. Chimpanzees find these words sufficient for all practical purposes.


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Modern Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The Modern Man's highly developed brain has made him what he is and you know what he is."

by Ken

Tonight, finally, we find out "where we come in." Since we read the preface to How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, we've worked our way through "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," meeting Java Man, Peking Man, Piltdown Man, Heidelberg Man, Neanderthal Man, and Cro-Magnon Man. So, without further ado, presenting --

The Modern Man

THE MODERN MAN or Nervous Wreck is the highest of all mammals because anyone can see that he is. There are about 2,000,000,000 Modern Men or too many. The Modern Man's highly developed brain has made him what he is and you know what he is.¹ The development of his brain is caused by his upright or bipedal position, as in the Penguin, the Dinosaur and other extinct reptiles. Modern Man has been called the Talking Animal because he talks more than any three other animals chosen at random. He has also been called the Reasoning Animal but there may be a catch in this. The fissure of Sylvius and the fissure of Rolando enable him to argue in circles. His main pursuits in the order named are murder, robbery, kidnapping, body-snatching, barratry, nepotism, arson and mayhem. This is known as the Good, the True and the Beautiful. Modern Men are viviparous. They mature 6lowly but make up for it later, generally from July first to June thirtieth inclusive. The females carry nickels and pins in their mouths. They are fond of glittering objects, bits of ribbon and olives.² All Modern Men are descended from a Wormlike creature but it shows more on some people. Modern Man will never become extinct if the Democrats can help it.³

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¹It is because of his brain that he has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.
²Each male has from 2 to 790 females with whom he discusses current events. Of these he marries from 3 to 17.
³To be perfectly fair, Modern Man was invented on October 25, 4004 B.C., at 9 o'clock in the morning, according to the statement of Dr. John Lightfoot (1602-1675) of Stoke-upon-Trent, Vice-chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Dr. Lightfoot's Whole Works comes in thirteen volumes.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: So how do you tell your friends from the apes? Starting with "The Chimpanzee"


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Cro-Magnon Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

The Cro-Magnons

"Even so recently as twenty or thirty years ago people knew hardly anything. For earlier data one has but to glance at the Family Album."

-- from tonight's installment

by Ken

We're nearing the end of our journey through the relations of Homo sapiens gathered in the opening section, "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes. Since the preface, we've met Java Man, Peking Man, and Piltdown Man, and Heidelberg Man, and Neanderthal Man. Tonight we meet --

The Cro-Magnon Man

THE CRO-MAGNONS were an old man, two young men, a woman and a child. The woman's brain was larger than the average man's. She had been killed with a blunt implement. The Cro-Magnons were very tall and had perfectly enormous fibulas like those in Chicago and Minneapolis, caused by chromosomes, genes, hormones and blastomeres. They were so wonderful that they were called Homo sapiens after us. They had Adam's apples. The Cro-Magnons were Upper Pleistocene and respectable. They invented Santa Claus, foreign missions, eggplant, punctuation, tatting and new methods of killing Neanderthals. They made rules preventing each other from doing what they did. We should love the Cro-Magnons because they were so smug.1 The Cro-Magnons were interested in art because of their unhappy home life which in turn was caused by their art. They would paint a Woolly Rhinoceros or a Paleolithic Bison in a cave when there was no one to stop them. Their favorite painting was called "A Yard of Paleolithic Bison." Their art was Independent and was finally arrested. It was Late Aurignacian because it was found in Early Solutrean deposits. The Cro-Magnons died out because they neglected sex.

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¹Perhaps we of today are inclined to overestimate the intellectual powers of the Cro-Magnons, who lived at least 25,000 years ago. As some of my readers may recall, even so recently as twenty or thirty years ago people knew hardly anything. For earlier data one has but to glance at the Family Album.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: "The Modern Man (!)"


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Neanderthal Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

The Neanderthal Man (and Neanderthal Woman)

"The Neanderthal Man had plenty of brains but somehow they did him no good."

by Ken

Can you feel the excitement? As we proceed through the first part, "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, we're getting closer to "where we come in." Tonight, after Java Man, Peking Man, Piltdown Man, and Heidelberg Man, it's --

The Neanderthal Man

THE NEANDERTHAL MAN lived in fear of the Woolly Mammoth, the Woolly Rhinoceros, the Woolly Hyena¹ and the Neanderthal Woman, who would drag him to her cave and roll great stones against the door and marry him. The Neanderthal Woman had no charm but she had a club. The Neanderthal Man was so difficult to rouse that one wonders if it was worth it. There were no icemen because it was the Great Ice Age. Neanderthal Men had very short fibulas. They walked with a shuffling gait like Edgar Wallace characters. They were slow on the uptake. The Neanderthals lived in groups under an Old Man who would drive out all the likely youths as soon as they were likely. Then the more intelligent girls would stroll off in the same direction to pick wild flowers. They would have clubs. The Neanderthal Man had plenty of brains but somehow they did him no good. During the Great Ice Age the glaciers kept advancing and retreating much more than they do now. They kept the Neanderthals on the run. The glaciers were in a wild state and only the fleetest Neanderthals could escape from them.² This was the survival of the fleetest. The Neanderthal Man had fires, caves, marrow bones,³ mosquitoes, love and arthritis. What more can you ask?

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¹The Neanderthal Man was rather woolly himself.
²Cf. "Pursued by a Glacier."
³Neanderthal Men also ate Snails, Frogs, Lemmings and other varmints. Some say they ate fried Neanderthal.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Cro-Magnon Man


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Heidelberg Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The Heidelberg Man had more jaw than any other male fossil. Professor Schoetensack had been saying for twenty years that he would find just such a jaw and you can bet that he did."

by Ken

As we proceed through the first part, "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, we're getting closer to "where we come in." Tonight, after Java Man, Peking Man, and Piltdown Man, we meet --

The Heidelberg Man

THE HEIDELBERG MAN was known as the Heidelberg Jaw. He had more jaw than any other male fossil. Professor Schoetensack had been saying for twenty years that he would find just such a jaw and you can bet that he did. The Heidelberg Man developed his jaw by agglutinative language and umlauts. He did this once too often and became extinct. The Heidelberg Man lived on plain simple food and good fresh air. He had toothache, indigestion and dizzy spells. He had brains in all the wrong places. If you asked him a question he would answer some other question. He had a vestigial tail and so have some other people I might mention. The Heidelberg Man was a Nudist and he was fond of companionship. He chose his companions by trial and error. He did not keep track of them all because he had no adding machine. He believed that practice makes perfect.¹ His wit and humor ran to practical jokes such as pushing other Heidelberg Men off the Alps and hitting them in the eye with large rocks or Paleoliths.² He was almost always angry and ferocious, causing an increased flow of adrenalin from the suprarenal capsules into the bloodstream. This could not go on forever. There were good ones and bad ones.³

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¹In this species the male was the boss.
²There has been some doubt whether the Heidelberg Man talked. Of course he talked. You couldn't stop him.
³The Heidelberg Man was the first fossil who could be called Man in Latin, so he was called Homo heidelbergensis. The Java, Peking and Piltdown Men could only be called Men in English.

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TOMORROW AND SATURDAY NIGHT'S SUNDAY CLASSICS PREVIEW: Giordano's Andrea Chénier


SUNDAY IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Neanderthal Man


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Piltdown Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The Piltdown Man's skull was twice as thick as an ordinary Englishman. It is in small pieces which can be fitted together in various ways after choosing sides. This is called Badminton."


So far in "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," the first section of How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, " we've met the Java Man and the Peking Man. Tonight we move on to the Piltdown Man. -- Ken

The Piltdown Man

THE PILTDOWN MAN was called the Dawn Man or Barmy Ned because he was found in Great Britain. He was a great help because he left crude flint implements. These were small rough pebbles chipped by the Piltdown Man just as all the small rough pebbles of today were chipped by us. Crude flint implements were used for making still cruder flint implements.¹ The Piltdown Man had little to do. His skull was twice as thick as an ordinary Englishman. It is in small pieces which can be fitted together in various ways after choosing sides. This is called Badminton. He could collect stamps. The Piltdown Man had aspidistras, delphiniums and sinus trouble. Already he was aiming at the stars and missing them. The manubrium indicates self-control but very little to control. The Piltdown Man had no chin and was rather toothy. It seems incredible that he had a private life but those are just the ones who do. The young took after their parents. Anthropologists say that the Piltdown Man was stupider than any person of today. Anthropologists are people who are in museums. They lead sheltered lives. The Early Irish left few skulls. The Early Scotch left no skulls.

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¹Some say the Piltdown Man also used them to scrape furs if he had furs, for clothing if he had clothing. It is not improbable that the better sort of Piltdown Men employed some form of covering, if only a minimum.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Heidelberg Man


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Peking Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

The Peking Man

"We do not know whether he was religious or promiscuous or both. He did not have love as we understand it because he had no gin."

by Ken

After the preface to How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes on Sunday, last night we began the book's first part, "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Came in," with "The Java Man." Next up we have --

The Peking Man

THE PEKING MAN shows that people were living in Asia long long ago as most of us knew already. He was discovered near Peking or Peiping and was named Sinanthropus pekinensis to keep certain persons from calling him Peiping Tom. Sin means China although the Chinese are no worse than other foreigners. The glabella was prominent so he was probably a young male.¹ The brain shows that the calvarium or brain-case was good. The skull was in perfect condition because the Peking Man took better care of his skull than some of us. He had begun to think or whatever the Chinese do. The prefrontal region resembles that found in some parts of the Middle West. The right horizontal ramus shows a tendency to do everything backwards. The Peking Man is lovable because he left no culture. He knew nothing about the Ming Dynasty and the Ch'ing Dynasty and the Sung Dynasty and he wrote no short poems stating that he got drunk and went out in a canoe and fell in. He had no imports and exports but he had fauna and flora.² The Peking Man was fond of overpopulation. We do not know whether he was religious or promiscuous or both. He did not have love as we understand it because he had no gin.

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¹Or a young female.
²He had the Catalpa, the Soy Bean, the Mongolian Mammoth, the Chinese Ostrich, the Yak and the Carp. He may have had Bats.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: The Piltdown Man


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Java Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

Illustration by Jacks

"The Java Man had immense supraorbital ridges of solid bone and was conscious in spots. Does that remind you of anyone?"

-- from Will Cuppy's "The Java Man"

by Ken

As promised last night, when we had most of the preface from How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, tonight we have the first piece, "The Java Man," of the seven that make up the book's first section, "Memoir of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In." I'm not sure the Jukes Family reference will be as familiar as it once was, so we're going to see to that, then proceed with "Java Man."


TO RENDEZVOUS WITH THE JAVA MAN, CLICK HERE


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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Will Cuppy Tonight: "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

by Ken

We haven't heard from our friend Will Cuppy in a while, and while I thought Thursday that we might dip once again into his most popular books, because it's subjects are human (biologically, at least), I think now that we will go back to his second book, How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes -- and go systematically through his pieces concerning species that are closest to our own, including the one that is our own, starting with the book's first part, "Memoirs of the Jukes Familly; or, Where We Come In."

For those coming new to Will Cuppy, the thing to remember about his zoological studies is that, funny as they may be, none of the facts are made up or even stretched. He researched his pieces fanatically, a point he had trouble communicating to The New Yorker's editors, who seemed to think he was just making stuff up. I don't doubt that anthropological research has advanced the state of the knowledge of homo sapiens' ancestors beyond the state of that knowledge in 1931, when this book was published, but Cuppy was giving his readers that state of knowledge.

We're going to start with a major part of Cuppy's preface.


FOR OUR FIRST INSTALLMENT FROM HOW TO TELL
YOUR FRIENDS FROM THE APES, CLICK HERE


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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